?? Update ??

Hey, hi, hello, how are you? Don't get your hopes up for a bookish post I just need a space to let thoughts out of my head, I hope that's okay with you!

So in a nutshell in the last month I have: a) quit my horrible job at the cinema b) started a new job as a research assistant in children's mental health c) moved into a little room in a house share in North London. Safe to say it's been a wild ride, but I suppose this is so-called "adulthood".

I don't want to turn this into a "woe is me" post because, I'll be honest, my new job is the closest I can get to what I want to be doing long term without further education and I have NO idea how I managed to get it! Everyone there seems lovely so far and I feel like I fit in as well as I can for someone who doesn't really know what's going on (I'm sure that will come with time). Also my house is walking distance from work and filled with lovely Christian and mostly LGB+ women who have all been so friendly to me so far!

It's ridiculous to think really that somehow me, the kid with the messy brain, has managed to pull this off, if I was ever looking for evidence that I'm stronger it's this!

But I'm... three working days in to living here (having commuted last week too) and I'll admit I'm already struggling with what to do with myself. It's great being this close to work but I don't have hobbies or friends and I don't know how to find them...

That's my current problem, because I am very scared of isolating myself and ending up in a spiral, my housemates all seem to be out until 9pm and I need to be asleep before 11pm, and between coming home from work around 5.45 and going to sleep... I don't know what to do.

The glaringly obvious thing I would think you, dear (probably) bookish reader, are wanting to suggest is that I get myself involved in book stuff! London is, as many of you will agree, pretty much the place to be for book things and I'm sure I could make book friends in no time. But uh, there's the issue that I haven't finished a book in 2 months and have only read... maybe 5 books this year, two of which were graphic novels. It seems the reading me has left, never to be seen again and I wish I could find her because I would love to find passion in pages again.
But yes, I don't feel able to turn up to book events for this reason, I also have no idea what's come out and what hasn't in this year and I feel so royally out of touch that it hurts my heart a bit :(

I want to get to know new people and see the things that this city has to offer, but I'm hyper aware of the risks of being a small, young woman in a city where there's no one to ring in an emergency. I'm sure once I find a church I'll meet people through that, but I do still struggle with getting past that first stage of acquaintance into asking a person you want to get to know if they want coffee and a chat. And I also probably won't be going to church nearby this weekend as I'll be away, so that gives me another week having not met anyone new...

I just don't know what to do friends!! I'm going around in circles, I want to be happy and celebrate my new job, I don't want to focus on the fact that I'm pretty much alone and I feel too small for that, but I also want to push myself and have places to be that aren't my tiny room or just an overpriced gym that I haven't psyched myself up to pay for yet!
Perhaps I can force myself back into books because that's where I've found myself get on with people the best, but I just don't know how to start...

Anyway that's my biannual vent over with, if you have thoughts/helpful things to say please comment or dm me on Twitter. Much love, hopefully I find something fun to write about soon xox

Hey, wuu2?

In case you hadn't noticed I've not been around much lately, and what little presence online I have had has largely been grumpy and for that I apologise. I'm trying to edge myself back into things a little, particularly as I have some fabulous looking proofs that need reading and reviewing :) Anyway, I asked Twitter and generally people said they'd be interested in an update on my life so here we are.

Brief summary for those who don't know: I graduated this summer, moved home to Suffolk and basically everything got a bit difficult. Things have generally taken an upward turn in the last few weeks  as I finally started a job, it's only in a cinema and that's still enough to cause me a considerable amount of anxiety (and for me to question if the degree was worth it) but hey, I'm going outside, I'm meeting new people and eventually I'll actually get a little bit of money too! For a while I was finding it exceptionally hard to read or do anything I enjoy, while I couldn't find a job I felt unable to even begin to allow myself to do anything fun, because I wasn't employable and therefore didn't deserve it.

It's not an easy thing to explain, but that's just how things were. So now that I'm finally edging my way out  and towards a slightly better routine, I'm trying to start reading etc again. For many people, spending days doing what you enjoy when you don't have anything on is brilliant, but that's just not how I am. I'm somehow unable to even allow myself to chill in front of the TV for more than one episode a day, all I can do it walk around feeling lost and like I'm wasting my time. And even now that I'm working, getting myself out of that is surprisingly difficult.

I've still got a lot of adjusting to do, it's hard not having many friends here, not having anywhere to go or anyone to talk to about books (or anything fun for that matter). But I'm gradually making progress, and alongside that I'm finally turning pages again. I'm looking forward to what the future may bring, but it is taking a long time for that spark in the things that I'm passionate about to come back, which is why I'm not really tweeting, because I don't have that excitement at the moment and I don't want to fake things or half arse it, books and all my followers deserve better than that!

Anyway, that's where I'm at now and hopefully you'll be hearing gradually more from me throughout the coming weeks. If anyone relates to what I'm saying and has any tips about meeting people, adjusting or getting motivated again, please do leave me a comment, dm me on Twitter or send me an email.

Thanks to every single reader and follower for your patience with me and I hope to be the proper, healthy and happy me very soon.

Sar xox

How's your head?

I have many complaints.

I've always considered myself to be a high functioning depressive, but when I'm honest with myself I don't really know what that actually means. I certainly do function a lot more highly than many other people with depression but it's only recently that I've come to realise the extent to which I actually rely on the structure in order to maintain a positive and stable mental state.

Just over a month ago now I finished my degree and became wonderfully, brilliantly, unemployed. It was my fear, one which has now come into fruition, that I would struggle a huge amount with not having anything to do. Despite having achieved a first class psychology degree, and being an extremely passionate person, none of the many jobs I have applied for yet want me. And whilst that's fine, they all want people with experience etc. the lack of structure is becoming increasingly hard to deal with. I can't function without reason to function, I don't know if that makes sense, and I sure as heck have no clue if that is 'typical' of a person with mental health issues. But that is how I am.