?? Update ??

Hey, hi, hello, how are you? Don't get your hopes up for a bookish post I just need a space to let thoughts out of my head, I hope that's okay with you!

So in a nutshell in the last month I have: a) quit my horrible job at the cinema b) started a new job as a research assistant in children's mental health c) moved into a little room in a house share in North London. Safe to say it's been a wild ride, but I suppose this is so-called "adulthood".

I don't want to turn this into a "woe is me" post because, I'll be honest, my new job is the closest I can get to what I want to be doing long term without further education and I have NO idea how I managed to get it! Everyone there seems lovely so far and I feel like I fit in as well as I can for someone who doesn't really know what's going on (I'm sure that will come with time). Also my house is walking distance from work and filled with lovely Christian and mostly LGB+ women who have all been so friendly to me so far!

It's ridiculous to think really that somehow me, the kid with the messy brain, has managed to pull this off, if I was ever looking for evidence that I'm stronger it's this!

But I'm... three working days in to living here (having commuted last week too) and I'll admit I'm already struggling with what to do with myself. It's great being this close to work but I don't have hobbies or friends and I don't know how to find them...

That's my current problem, because I am very scared of isolating myself and ending up in a spiral, my housemates all seem to be out until 9pm and I need to be asleep before 11pm, and between coming home from work around 5.45 and going to sleep... I don't know what to do.

The glaringly obvious thing I would think you, dear (probably) bookish reader, are wanting to suggest is that I get myself involved in book stuff! London is, as many of you will agree, pretty much the place to be for book things and I'm sure I could make book friends in no time. But uh, there's the issue that I haven't finished a book in 2 months and have only read... maybe 5 books this year, two of which were graphic novels. It seems the reading me has left, never to be seen again and I wish I could find her because I would love to find passion in pages again.
But yes, I don't feel able to turn up to book events for this reason, I also have no idea what's come out and what hasn't in this year and I feel so royally out of touch that it hurts my heart a bit :(

I want to get to know new people and see the things that this city has to offer, but I'm hyper aware of the risks of being a small, young woman in a city where there's no one to ring in an emergency. I'm sure once I find a church I'll meet people through that, but I do still struggle with getting past that first stage of acquaintance into asking a person you want to get to know if they want coffee and a chat. And I also probably won't be going to church nearby this weekend as I'll be away, so that gives me another week having not met anyone new...

I just don't know what to do friends!! I'm going around in circles, I want to be happy and celebrate my new job, I don't want to focus on the fact that I'm pretty much alone and I feel too small for that, but I also want to push myself and have places to be that aren't my tiny room or just an overpriced gym that I haven't psyched myself up to pay for yet!
Perhaps I can force myself back into books because that's where I've found myself get on with people the best, but I just don't know how to start...

Anyway that's my biannual vent over with, if you have thoughts/helpful things to say please comment or dm me on Twitter. Much love, hopefully I find something fun to write about soon xox

Mental Health Book Bingo 2019!

Wow look at me returning from my blogging hiatus to present to you my favourite readalong of the year! As with last year (or I mean this beginning of this year but shh) I have the pleasure of being a host for Mental Health Book Bingo. We'll be hosting author chats and reading sprints whilst reading and raising awareness with mental health related books.

If you're interested we'd love for you to join us, even if you can't read a full five books (let's be honest I probably won't manage it...). Check out our Twitter for more details and updates, we'd love to have you!

The hosts of this year's bingo are:

• Wendy @ What the Log Had to Say (creator)
• Lili @ Utopia State of Mind
• Ayah @ Dystopian Citzn
• Laura @ Green Tea & Paperbacks
• Inge @ Of Wonderland
• Jess @ Kisses From Jess
• Me!

As I mentioned before, the aim of the bingo is to read five books over the month of January to score bingo by getting a line either vertically, horizonally or diagonally.

Hey, wuu2?

In case you hadn't noticed I've not been around much lately, and what little presence online I have had has largely been grumpy and for that I apologise. I'm trying to edge myself back into things a little, particularly as I have some fabulous looking proofs that need reading and reviewing :) Anyway, I asked Twitter and generally people said they'd be interested in an update on my life so here we are.

Brief summary for those who don't know: I graduated this summer, moved home to Suffolk and basically everything got a bit difficult. Things have generally taken an upward turn in the last few weeks  as I finally started a job, it's only in a cinema and that's still enough to cause me a considerable amount of anxiety (and for me to question if the degree was worth it) but hey, I'm going outside, I'm meeting new people and eventually I'll actually get a little bit of money too! For a while I was finding it exceptionally hard to read or do anything I enjoy, while I couldn't find a job I felt unable to even begin to allow myself to do anything fun, because I wasn't employable and therefore didn't deserve it.

It's not an easy thing to explain, but that's just how things were. So now that I'm finally edging my way out  and towards a slightly better routine, I'm trying to start reading etc again. For many people, spending days doing what you enjoy when you don't have anything on is brilliant, but that's just not how I am. I'm somehow unable to even allow myself to chill in front of the TV for more than one episode a day, all I can do it walk around feeling lost and like I'm wasting my time. And even now that I'm working, getting myself out of that is surprisingly difficult.

I've still got a lot of adjusting to do, it's hard not having many friends here, not having anywhere to go or anyone to talk to about books (or anything fun for that matter). But I'm gradually making progress, and alongside that I'm finally turning pages again. I'm looking forward to what the future may bring, but it is taking a long time for that spark in the things that I'm passionate about to come back, which is why I'm not really tweeting, because I don't have that excitement at the moment and I don't want to fake things or half arse it, books and all my followers deserve better than that!

Anyway, that's where I'm at now and hopefully you'll be hearing gradually more from me throughout the coming weeks. If anyone relates to what I'm saying and has any tips about meeting people, adjusting or getting motivated again, please do leave me a comment, dm me on Twitter or send me an email.

Thanks to every single reader and follower for your patience with me and I hope to be the proper, healthy and happy me very soon.

Sar xox

How's your head?

I have many complaints.

I've always considered myself to be a high functioning depressive, but when I'm honest with myself I don't really know what that actually means. I certainly do function a lot more highly than many other people with depression but it's only recently that I've come to realise the extent to which I actually rely on the structure in order to maintain a positive and stable mental state.

Just over a month ago now I finished my degree and became wonderfully, brilliantly, unemployed. It was my fear, one which has now come into fruition, that I would struggle a huge amount with not having anything to do. Despite having achieved a first class psychology degree, and being an extremely passionate person, none of the many jobs I have applied for yet want me. And whilst that's fine, they all want people with experience etc. the lack of structure is becoming increasingly hard to deal with. I can't function without reason to function, I don't know if that makes sense, and I sure as heck have no clue if that is 'typical' of a person with mental health issues. But that is how I am.

Mental Health Mondays #20 : It makes you different...

First off, I apologise for going on hiatus with these posts. Stuff has been weird and kind of difficult and even though I got myself a post schedule for the first time ever I just couldn't write :(
But I've motivated myself for once and today I'm going to share some of my thoughts about how mental health changes you:

Mental Health Mondays #19 : Being taken seriously

If you've been following my posts for a while you'll be aware that I've had a bit of an up and down journey with the mental health services. I've been treated well and badly and then slightly better and then worse again which unsurprisingly has left me somewhat sceptical. For this reason and the recent changes in my situation I wanted to take time this week to let you all know that I'm finally being treated well and it feels very strange but very good!

Within the last month or so I finally got a disability support plan for my degree and, much to my surprise, they didn't tell me I was making a fuss over nothing but actually suggested numerous options which may be of help to me. As a result of this I have finally got support in my department at uni should I have issues, particularly with reaching deadlines, and if I need any assistance!

Mental Health Mondays #18: Romance & MH in Books

So it's Valentine's this week and I thought now was as good a time as any to write a little post on why I find the "romance making individual with mental health issues magically better" trope so frustrating.

Basically I'm just going to go on a little rant...

Mental Health Mondays #17: 2018 reboot

Hey, hi, hello, welcome! In case you hadn't noticed I've not written one of these posts for quite some time due to a wide range of factors (largely exam related). So for the sake of this post I'd appreciate it if everyone could just pretend that I haven't entirely missed out on posting in January! I'd like to take a little time to chat through the kinds of things I'm hoping to do with this feature in 2018, mostly because I need to plan it and I am currently very much lacking in inspiration for where to start with writing MHM's again. Hopefully this will help?!

Anyway here goes with my 2018 Mental Health Mondays aims/plans/goals/whatsits:

Mental Health Book Bingo Reviews #1: 10 Things I Can See From Here & Countless

As is always the way when it comes to my blog (and my life in general shh) I started my #MHBookBingo month with a plan and I was going to write reviews as I went and read a lot. But of course, the three exams and the ongoing stress and mental health problems decided different and the month is shockingly almost over and I've not written a review! Anyway, I've decided to remedy this by just posting my thoughts on the first two books that I've read for the bingo and then I'll do a second post when the month is over. But for now, I hope you enjoy these reviews!

Mental Health Book Bingo TBR

The MH Book Bingo is almost upon us and I am super duper excited! First things first, if you have no idea what I'm on about please make sure you've read my announcement post 😊
I meant to upload this post quite a while ago but as usual life got in the way so I'm only just getting around to it, here is what I intend to read for the bingo!

Because January is The Month Of Exams™ I'm not sure if I'm going to get a full bingo but here are the books I am currently planning to read in the month and the categories which I'm using them for as well as some others which I (over)ambitiously hope to get around to at the same time. Other categories for books I am reading are in italics in case people are looking for ones to fill a gap

My main five choices:
The Shock of the Fall by Nathan Filer - Delusions/hallucinations rep
Countless by Karen Gregory - ED rep
Under Rose-Tainted Skies by Louise Gornall - MC with 2+ MI's; Agoraphobia rep (ownvoices); romance with MC with MI
10 Things I Can See From Here by Carrie Mac - LGBT+ MC with MI; Anxiety rep
The Skeleton Cupboard by Tanya Byron - Nonfiction about MI

Others I hope to find time for:
Cheer Up, Love by Susan Calman - Memoir about MI
Postcards from the Edge by Carrie Fisher - Bipolar disorder rep (ownvoices)
Asking For It by Louise O'Neill - Depression rep/free space

Let me know if you're also planning to get involved in #MHBookBingo and if you need any requests then please drop me a comment or tweet me or the @BingoMH account! I'm so excited about doing this readathon now and I can't wait to read more mental health books with everyone!

Mental Health Mondays #16 : Festive Special 🎄

Welcome to my extra-special festive Mental Health Monday! In this post I want to focus a little bit on Christmas and mental health and what it means to me. As always, this post is based upon my experience and I'm not trying to put forward any views other than my own so please take that into account as you read - Thanks!

'It's the most wonderful time of the year', it's a time for celebrating; spending time with loved ones and generally enjoying yourself. However, it's unfortunately not quite as simple as "It's Christmas lets put all our troubles away and just enjoy ourselves!" for those of us with mental health conditions. There's usually a lot going on, there are lots of responsibilities and expectations on you and as well as being expected to buy loads of presents and wrap things and cook for 99 people, or whatever your Christmas set up is, you're supposed to put on a big smile and be sociable and cheery regardless of anything else that's going on!

Mental Health Mondays #15 : Progress

So firstly I want to sincerely apologise for the severe lack of MHMs in the last few weeks. I don't have an excuse, they just haven't happened. I guess that I temporarily lost motivation and I couldn't for the life of me think of anything at all that I could say that anyone would find of interest. Anyway here we are and now I'm back so, hello!

If you've read the last MHM post What Now? you'll know I've been a pretty confused and conflicted about where I am and what to do but things appear to be looking in my favour at last 😌

ANNOUNCEMENT: Mental Health Book Bingo!

It gives me great pleasure to let you all know that in January 2018 myself and some bloggy pals are launching a shiny new readathon of Mental Health related books!

The idea was put forward by the wonderful Wendy @ whatthelog and was inspired by other bingo readathons like Asian Lit Bingo. I feel absolutely honoured to have been asked to take part in this and we've got some good things planned so I'd love it if y'all could take part!

Your Hosts:

Wendy @ whatthelog

Christine @ the story salve

Inge @ Of Wonderland

Laura @ Green Tea & Paperbacks

Ayah @ DystopianCitzn

Kav @ xreadingsolacex

Me!

Mental Health Mondays #14 : What now?

This post is going to be a personal one because I need to process my thoughts surrounding a problem that I'm facing. I'm not quite sure of any other way to do it than to write it here and hope that readers don't find it too boring!

As you may know if you've read any of my previous MHM posts, in May I started seeing a clinical psychologist. This was an appointment which I had been waiting for for seven months so when it finally came around and my psychologist said he would see me regularly I was grateful that all my patience had paid off and I'd finally get some help, after trying almost every other available option.

Mental Health Mondays #13 : Question Box Two

So my question box is back and I'm still very excited that people have actually asked me things so I'm just going to jump straight in to answering another three of your questions:

I have lost all enjoyment in my passions. How do I stay motivated whilst stuck in my depression?

I struggle with this a lot myself and often it is something that you may have to, unfortunately, just ride out, at least to a certain extent. The only thing I can really suggest is that you possibly try doing whatever your 'passion' is for a short amount of time? Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't but you may find that if you kind of force yourself to do it even for as little as 15 minutes then after that time you'll feel more motivated? You may also find that it just makes you feel absolutely exhausted and you have to be prepared that it could go either way but at least you have managed to achieve something even if it's small, right?! That's what I always try to do anyway 😊

When did you first realise that you had a mental health condition?

I think it was a gradual process of realisation so I'm not entirely sure, but I do remember the first time I told a close friend that I thought I needed some help and that was around February of 2015. At that point I was definitely engaging in a lot of negative behaviours and had been for at least 6 months, so to be honest, looking back I don't see how I didn't realise sooner. After realising that perhaps a lot of my experiences were, shall we say, Not Good, it then gradually occurred to me that there had been factors which were quite possibly mental health related dating back to when I was as young as 12/13 so yeah, it took me a long time to figure out what was going on...

Do you think it's a good idea to tell people you work with if you're taking antidepressants?

I can't give a definitive answer to this because a) I'm not on antidepressants nor am I currently employed b) it would depend greatly on your workplace etc. but I'll give you my general thoughts on this. I think if you work somewhere that it is required for you to disclose any medications you're taking (I'm not entirely sure how often this happens) then you shouldn't lie about it I suppose. But I also believe that you have a right to not disclose such personal information about yourself unless you believe that it will be helpful to you.
Personally I would think that if you're taking them, they're working for you, and both the ADs and your general MH are not having a negative effect on your ability to work then you are certainly 'allowed' not to tell people. However, if you'd feel better for being honest then I guess you can tell people? It depends really on who you are and whether you feel honesty is better or whether you fear people may treat you differently if they know you take antidepressants (which shouldn't be the case but may well be because people are annoying). So basically, do what feels best for you! Taking ADs is nothing to be ashamed of, it's doing what feels the most sensible for your situation that is important.

That's it for this month's question box feature check out last months here and if you have any questions that you'd like me to answer in the next month's post then please follow this link so you can leave your questions (I need more if I'm going to write another post so please ask anything you'd like!). Thanks so much for reading!

Mental Health Mondays #12 : Mental Health and Messenger

This week I just want to write a short post giving you something to think about when talking online to a friend who you know suffers from mental health issues. As always, this is just something that I find difficult and that may well be the case for many others but I can't vouch for it being the same for everyone.

What I want to discuss is how to be sensitive to your friend's wellbeing when you need someone to vent to, specifically through messaging platforms e.g Facebook. I know that it can be really difficult when you've had something happen, you're mega stressed or you just really need your friend's opinion about something not to just jump head first into an online rant at them, but when your friend is something who struggles with mental health issues it's important to try and check in with them before you do so. A simple "Is it alright if I chat to you about something?" or a "How are you, I need your thoughts :)" is sufficient enough to give them a chance to say "I'm really sorry I don't feel good I'm not sure I can be much help right now." because regardless of how bad your day has been you don't want to make your friend feel more unwell without realising it - right?

Personally, it's not that I don't want to help out my friends, but on numerous occasions I've been struggling hugely with my own thoughts etc and then had people offload on me without even a real hello and it make things really difficult. Also, not only is it difficult for the individual who is receiving the message but chances are they won't be able to really reply and help you out that much either if they aren't in a good state of mind so it isn't that beneficial for either party!

In my opinion, this is a really easy thing to change to ensure that you're looking after your friend and showing them you value them and that it's important to you that they're comfortable with the conversations you have.

The other thing that you may want to consider is the time of your message, I for one have times which I determine "not good" mostly anytime after midnight and before about 5am. Some people may not have the same nighttime triggers that I do but it's worth checking that if you know your friend isn't a night person (or indeed if there is a different time the aren't good with) that you don't dump stuff on them when you know they're about to sleep, or if you really need to chat just apologise to them beforehand and let them know that is is okay if they can't talk right now.

I know that these two things won't be applicable to every single situation and there will be times that the conversation just can't wait, for your sake or your friend's, but it is definitely worth considering next time you find yourself worked up and looking to turn to someone for guidance.

Do you agree with what I've said? Or do you think I'm being too selfish and we should just grin and bear it for our friends? I want to know so leave me a comment!

Mental Health Mondays #11 : Question Box One

I'm very excited to write this post as it's the first one using questions from my online question box! Thank you to everyone who has submitted something, if your question isn't answered as one of the three I'm choosing for this week it'll more than likely be in next month's post as I'm hoping to use the first Monday of the month for this purpose (depending on the number of submissions I receive).

Question One: What do you find is the worst symptom of depression for you personally? Or alternatively, the most misunderstood?

In terms of the worst symptom I'd have to say that it varies depending on the episode for me as sometimes some things are worse to deal with than others. But one that frustrates me and I think can often be misunderstood is the fatigue and lack of ability to concentrate. For me sometimes it can be almost impossible to engage with a lecture in uni and although I want to be there and I want to learn it's like my mind won't connect. Similarly I can find at times that spending time with more than one person can be the most exhausting thing in the world. I think it can often make you appear lazy or like you're not trying when actually you're trying the hardest you possibly could in the circumstances. But unless you've experienced this yourself I suppose it can be difficult to get your head around.

Question Two: Is there something you want to share about your mental health that you haven't done so before (and feel comfortable to)? I know that it's sometimes... cathartic to get something off your chest that you haven't been able to for a while, or that you've wanted to and haven't had the chance to.

Hmm okay, this is a difficult one but I've had a think about it. So often when I'm not feeling well I can struggle great amounts to react to other people's communication (particularly online) in the correct way? Regularly I find myself feeling being upset by people going out and enjoying themselves/having fun/generally being more socially successful than me and it leads to me getting mad at myself for being selfish and self centred because it can genuinely feel like people are doing things just to upset me? (And putting that in writing makes it seem even more ridiculous but what can I say?) Gradually I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's just how I feel when I'm not well and that beating myself down about it and calling myself such things isn't actually helpful? I'm not sure how to stop it but I'm working on a way out atm.

Question Three: I have lost all enjoyment in my passions. How do I stay motivated whilst stuck in my depression?

This is a super difficult question because as I'm sure you're aware, lack of motivation is one of the most common symptoms of depression and so it can be really tough. The only tips I can offer from my experience is to try your hardest not to be too disappointed in yourself if you take a break from the things you enjoy because sometimes it is necessary to do so. It's also worth trying to perhaps engage in one of your hobbies for a short period of time, challenge yourself like "okay I'm going to read for 15 minutes and see how I get on" and set yourself a timer to see what you can achieve. This way you've managed to reach a goal that day even if it is small and you may well find that it'll lift your spirits a bit too! Hope this helps even a tiny bit because it can be really tough.

That's it for my first Question Box session! I really hope you've found reading this helpful and please leave me a comment with your thoughts. Also if you want to leave me a question to answer in the next post you'll find the Question Box here.

Mental Health Mondays #10 : Showing emotion?

This week I'm talking about a somewhat mental health related topic, but also something which I think everyone has probably experienced and which occurred to me recently is not something that should be an issue but is, so I'm sticking it into a MHM because I can do what I want 😜

Anyway what I want to say is this... CRYING IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS AND YOU ARE JUST AS STRONG WHETHER YOU CRY OR NOT!!! 

Firstly, I am not someone who cries a lot at all. In many ways I actually find this difficult because I end up looking for other less positive ways to express my upset and emotion. A few weeks ago I was chatting to a friend who'd had a tough day and she was feeling bad because she had, as she told me, cried three times throughout the day. It made me think about how there is NOTHING wrong with crying yet, it's almost like, frowned upon as a sign of weakness? But it's not like you can really stop it at all so now I'm all why, society, WHYYY???

It's not even worth me starting on how much more of an issue this kind of thing is amongst guys and how men crying is seen to be something bad. I just don't get it?! You don't find people apologising and feeling bad for laughing at something that makes them happy so why should it be the opposite for a different emotion?

Mostly this short post had been a way for me to get out my feelings on the matter but I'm also interested to hear what you think about it and whether you agree with me because everyone's different - some people cry at everything, some not at all - but that's not a representation of how strong a person is in character? It's just a difference so why should people feel like they're weak because of such a thing?! It's a healthy reaction!

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts, are you a big crier or are you like me? Do you agree with what I'm saying? And don't forget to leave questions in my question box for me to answer!

Mental Health Mondays #9 : Watch Your Words Part 3

Welcome to Part 3 of my Watch Your Words series, this will be the last post in this series for now but I may well come back to it in the future. As always these are just my thoughts and I'm speaking from experience but everyone is different so don't take what I say as fact.

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This week's phrase is...

"_____ just gave me a panic attack..."

Before I get started on this just let me explain that I'm not trying to say that panic attacks aren't real nor am I suggesting that they can't be triggered by anything in your environment, this is about using the term panic attack to describe something which, quite simply, is not one.

Mental Health Mondays #8 : Watch Your Words Part 2

Check out Part 1 of this series here where I complain about misuse of the term "mental breakdown" and explain a bit more about the idea of this short series of posts. These are my views and as much as I try I may not be 100% accurate in what I say so please bear this in mind when you're reading.

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The phrase this week is:

"OMG _____ is so OCD"

Okay now this is a big one. It's one of those phrases which seems to be so commonly used by so many people and yet it's the worst.